Monday, April 16, 2012

A Child’s Death is Never Expected, Even When it is

A had to endure the stupidest conversation ever the other day.  This lady told me I was lucky, that I had it easier in some ways because we knew that Xander was sick, and that it should make it (his death) easier for me because it was “expected”.  Let me tell you some of the things I expected as Xander’s mother.  First I expected to be pregnant for 40 weeks, to once again gain a lot more weight then I ever wanted to, to be tired and achy. I expected to get to May and have only one pair of pants to wear until the middle of June.   I expected June to come very slowly, for it sometimes to feel like it would never get here.   I expected to daydream about him, wonder what he would look like, or be like, & when he would arrive.  I expected one day in June to go to the hospital and have our third son, and our sixth child.  I expected to experience the pain of labor literally overcome by the joy of birth.  I expected to have him placed on my chest as I relished in the miracle of him, to wipe clean his face as I gazed into his eyes for the first time.  I expected to hold him to my breast, to nurse him to create that bond that only is between a mother and her baby. I expected to bring him home. I expected to introduce him to his brothers and sisters.  I expected late nights, with little sleep. I expected to hold him very late at night when everyone else in the house was asleep, hold him in my arms in that quiet moment and just be, me and him.   I expected two more years of diapers. I expected to watch mesmerized by all of his firsts, first roll over, first crawl, first sit-up, first food, first walk, first word.  It never gets old by the way, just because I have done it five times before him.  I expected to hold him when he fell and hurt his knee, to wipe away his tears.  I expected birthday cakes and parties.  I expected to cry as I dropped him off for his fist day of kindergarten. I expected to be proud when he scored his first goal, or read his first book.  I expected to teach him to be a good person, to love others, to treat people with respect. I expected to watch him grow from a baby, to a little boy, to a boy, to a teen, to a man.  I expected to watch him get baptized, do Boy Scouts, have his first crush, first love, heartbreak, go on a mission.  I expected one day to watch him get married and have his own family.  I expected to be his mom.

Xander feet

I really truly know, I’m still his mom. But my arms ache from the want of holding him, and it makes no difference that it was “expected”.  The only thing that makes it easier is the knowledge that Christ truly did overcome the grave and that one day my arms will ache no more. 

21 comments:

Amanda said...

Some people have no tact what so ever, I'm so sorry someone said this to you.

Steph said...

I'm sorry you had to have that conversation. "Lucky" is not a word I would choose for your situation. I admire your ability to rise above the tactless comments and to continue on despite all that you've been asked to endure.

jaacs said...

I just don't understand people sometimes. I guess it comes from not really knowing what to say and to somehow make the whole situation okay in your own mind...I'm sure I've said plenty of insensitive things with the greatest of intentions...but I'm still sorry that someone felt the need to say that to you. I continue to pray for you and your family. *hugs*

Terry said...

I hurt for you. May Gods grace and blessings be with you during your time of healing. I am so sorry for your loss.

Alisa said...

I'm tearing up. It's what I expected with my 6th pregnancy too. And even now 1.5 years later, I still feel like there is someone missing.

Your little boy is in perfection with His Saviour. May God be your Rock!

Kelli said...

this is so beautiful, jaime. it puts being a mother in a new light for me.
i'm sorry. i wish i could do and say more.
thank you for sharing your thoughts on your blogs. it makes me try and be a better mother.

Tracy said...

Lots of people just don't know what to say. The worst part is that this probably is not the last time you are going to have to endure a conversation or comment like this.
Wait, this isn't in reference to our phone call the other day, was it??
Just kidding.

sonia said...

Your writing is incredibly beautiful Thanks for sharing everything with all of us .

I am truly sorry for your loss.

Love Sonia

Rudyricks said...

Wow! Well Put! Thanks Ruth Bybee

Kate H.(www.sprinkletherapy.blogspot.com) said...

What sweet words. Christ Did overcome the grave and I can't wait for your arms to ache no longer. Until then you're in my prayers!

The Blomquist Bunch said...

You are an amazing mommy, Jaime. I loved reading this, bawling, and determining to always treat my sweet little people with that tender mommy love. Hugs to you, friend. Thanks for your beautiful spirit.

The Meagher Family said...

I love you and your little family and wish I could just take all your hurt away. You are so strong though and have always been someone I look up to. It doesn't matter what anyone says it just really really sucks for your family to have to go though this. As always you are in my prayers.

BA said...

Know that there are other mothers out there who's hearts bleed with yours, who are crying with you in remembrance of your son, who know the emptiness that such a loss leaves. We also know, as you do my sister, of the special bond you shared with him in utero, of all the kicks and rolls that you and he shared, of the love that you gave and he felt because of the intimacy of your mother/son bond. He knew you and you knew him... of that there is no doubt.

With you in spirit.

Shanna said...

So sorry you had to have a conversation like that. Why can't people just say, "I am sorry for your loss" and leave it at that? I truly am sorry for your loss. Hugs.

pigsathome said...

This kind of conversation still never fails to astound me. Our daughter died 11 years ago as the result of a car accident. She was 15. I don't care if your child was with you for 15 minutes or 15 years the pain is agonizing! I have learned that God really does know what He is doing but I sure didn't learn it in the first few years let alone the first few days! My heart goes out to you and I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that my Amy was there to welcome Xander (she loved babies!) and that he will be loved and cherished in Heaven until you can get there and lavish your love on him. I know that you will have more insensitive people tell you things like that--just wait until someone tells you they know just how you feel because their dog died!--and my prayers are with you. I'm sorry if I sound angry but you have enough to contend with without some old biddy telling you that you are lucky because your child has gone before you! I pray that our Lord will give you strength, peace, and comfort as you learn to live with the loss of your little one. If you need someone to rant and rave to or cry with, please know that you can email me and I will be there. Those of us who have children in Heaven do understand and we stick together! Tina Schroer

thislittlepiggy5(at)mchsi(dot)com

Heather said...

Thank you for being brave enough to share this. I have been there and I agree! *hugs*

skippysmom said...

We, too, lost our son. He was 2 when he passed from cancer. Just remember that Xander will be with you every day in all the little things you do. God bless you and your family. This is a terrible club we belong to, but those of us who are members are always there to support you....

Teal said...

I'm still so sorry you had to experience this. Hopefully, that person had only the best of intentions, even though her words made no sense. It's hard for some people to understand that you can be so connected with a baby that was with you for such a short time... but it's possible. Xander was his own whole person, even though he was still a little baby, and to lose someone so special is such a tragedy. I hope you and your family are staying strong.

The Mustard Seed said...

So sorry for you having to hear that thoughtless comment. I've read for a while but never commented. I recently had a similar experience. I have a son with special needs and a gentleman told me "what a shame it was"...

anyway, I have never lost a child, but I did go thru an incredibly stressful pregnancy and couple years after my son was born... (he's four now) so your story is sooo close to my heart. I will keep your family in my prayers. And peace for you to withstand. Thankful that you know the Lord!! I don't understand how people do it without Him.

Angel

Caroline said...

Wow. That's rough. But you didn't punch her, so I'm pretty sure you win at tact.

kindergartenbasics said...

I am so sorry for your loss and so glad that you know you will be reunited. It is hard to understand sometimes the challenges we face. My child is disabled and people can be so unkind or insensitive. But most people really would want to help you through this difficult time. Let them.